G'day Gents and Gent-ettes! Th' name's Saxton! I loik fightin', drinkin', and battlin' rare 'n ferocious animals! I'm also th' head honcho of MANN Co., since 'ol Zephy was too manly fer livin'. An' I'm damn good at what I do. When competition comes in, I pummel 'em dead with me bare hands. My tried-and-true way of livin' worked itself into MANN Co. Policy: "If you aren't 100% satisfied with our product line, you can take it up with me!"

Some notable achievements of Saxton Hale include:

* Cutting his way out of primate hell.

* Teaching his girl scout troupe, the 'Saxtonettes', a fire safety tip: grizzly bears burn.

* Fighting off a lion while simultaneously having his hair cut.

* Single handedly wiping out the Indonesian berzerker shark (and making it cry).

* Retrieving a stolen puck from a thieving tortoise, despite its thirty minute head start.

* Inventing the ancient and mystical Jarate fighting style after kicking a chair across the room in a frustrated rage. His complete Jarate course includes Saxton Hale Jarate Pills, which triple the size of your kidneys, and Saxton Hale Pain Tonic, which completely masks the feeling of your internal organs shutting down.

* Becoming the wealthiest man in the western hemisphere.

* Firebombing Woodstock from a helicopter.

* Being in no way involved with the explosive death of American Monkeynaut Poopy Joe, and not in fact being anywhere near the launch site at the time.

* Introducing crafting to the RED and BLU teams in an effort to stop the war.

* Publishing a special number of his magazine (With a price of 20 cents, even though it was demanded to be free) to answer questions made by his fans about, among other things, playing Team Fortress 2 on Mac.

* Blowing up the moon using an Apple product called the iBlewupthemoon.